Changing body. Changing Spirit.

I am trying to understand this strange new person who wakes up in my daughter's room everyday. She has always been temperamental and sensitive. I have come to expect that most dealings with her will involve a challenge. But the cool, snippy voice, the poker face, the propensity for burrowing into her messy bed, and not coming out except for meals or to watch WHAT NOT TO WEAR—these are new behaviors.

I worried for the first few weeks of her personality shift, until I overheard other mothers anguishing about their pre-teens' new personas: Where has my little girl gone? Why has she become an angry hurricane? What’s with the curt tone? And then I found a one word salve: Hormones! How could I have missed the signs? 

Years ago, when I told my daughter the story of “the birds and the bees,” I neglected to research (and remember) what to expect when you're expecting ... puberty. 

This phase of my child’s life, like all the others we will navigate together, requires me to conscientiously explore new information. Today I will slow down to study, prepare for the temporary discomfort and challenge, and eventually come through with an expanded sense of physicality. 

And, I'll relax. Until the next time she calls me a fashion disaster.

Managing tantrums

My children Jake and Lily are well past the tantrum stage in their young lives. Hopefully I'll get there soon! All kidding aside, I remember the moment I transitioned from frantic Mom to calm Mom in terms of knowing I could successfully handle the emotional storms of my passionate children.

Lily was two and a half. We were at our weekly music class. I had just finished telling Margo, mother of a newly turned two year old, that Lily had finally stopped having tantrums (and had moved onto what I called "willful displays of power"). The teacher, Jill, asked the children to pretend to be babes in Toyland, when Lily threw herself down on the ground and refused to take another step until I played Ring-Around-The-Rosy with her. 

I thought we should stick with the program and not insert our own agenda. This was one of those moments when a mother isn’t sure whether to honor the creativity and whimsy of her child or insist on getting back in line. I didn’t want the other mothers to think Lily was spoiled or that she always gets her way. 

I tried to pick her up and join the circle again but she arched her back and burst into tears screaming. I wanted to cry, too. What do I do now? How embarrassing. I wanted to scream, Shut up! But suddenly I heard my inner voice whispering instructions as though a 9-1-1 operator was talking me through a medical emergency. Stay calm. Relax your mouth and forehead. Talk to Lily softly. Pick her up now and rock her to soothe her. Walk away from the group slowly. You are a wonderful mother. Cup the crown of Lily's head. Give her words to explain her feelings: I know you are frustrated, Lily.

By the time I made my way through the list, Lily had melted into my hug. She pointed at Jill who was passing out bells for the next song. We walked back into the circle. 

A few of the mothers gave me looks that seemed to say, Poor Andrea. But I did not need pity. I was not powerless. I congratulated myself for managing with grace one of the many emotional phases Lily will experience. My strong maternal voice and good instincts lead me through. 

Lily and I rang our bells and laughed.

This ONE resolution covers them all

Rather than resolve to accomplish a long list of improvements in the next 365 days, I commit myself to just one new perspective: I will live deeply in the little moments of my life.

Instead of thinking until I'm blue in the brain, I will BE.

When the moment feels good, I will observe and appreciate. When the moment is difficult, I will ask myself what I need to learn from the challenge.  ‘This too shall pass,’ will help me move through the trying times. I know that I only have this small passage to navigate. There will always be another moment and another day but I will take them one at a time. If I make a mistake, I can always start over.

I will bring the gifts of every moment into the next little moment.

The word for peace

May it be peaceful in my house,
May it be peaceful in every house,
In my mind may it be peaceful,
In every mind may it be peaceful,
Where I walk may it be peaceful,
Where everybody walks may it be peaceful,
All around me may it be peaceful,
All around the world may it be peaceful.


I will not stop in my quest for peace. I want serenity for myself. I hope for it for everyone. I begin my peace practice by sending wishes for little moments of peace to everyone who draws breath on this magnificent planet. The more I say these words, the more I encourage my children to say them with me, the more peace we will know and share.

Every day this week, I will adopt a country, learn its word for peace, and send my good wishes to mothers, children, and their families all around the world, praying for peace on earth.
Spain-la paz
France-paix
Germany-frieden
Italy-la pace
Brazil-a paz
Somalia-nabad
Israel-shalom
Philippines-kapayapaan


I send a message of serenity as I chant peace.
I am at peace. The world is at peace.

Put your heart on it

Tune your ear to the heart and all paths lead to happiness.
—Proverbs

I make my important decisions by listening to my heart. I start with my intellect to sort out the pros and cons, but in the middle of the night when my mind is reeling with the weight of a decision, it is my heart that leads me to a peaceful place. When it is difficult to sit still and wait for my intuition to guide me,  I remind myself, sim lev which means “Put your heart on it” in Hebrew.

Give every little moment all your heart.

Friend of silence

God is the friend of silence. See how nature—trees, flowers, grass—grows in silence; see the stars, the moon, and the sun, how they move in silence.
—Mother Teresa

In solitude lies the boundless potential for a more fulfilling life. I let silence surround me and I hear more clearly messages of comfort and guidance. I make time to meditate—either sitting still or walking alone—and I notice how much more room I have to grow. When I take a break from the fast pace of my day, I feel like I’ve just had a long talk with a good friend: Me.

Stand on my shoulders

When I feel too tired to cope with one more task, or too depleted to deal with another request for my attention, I recall this uplifting story about a journey to freedom. Two women were traveling by cattle car to their homes, after spending years at Auschwitz concentration camp. Although they barely survived the Nazis' brutal treatment, the war was over, and the two women were hours away from turning the keys to their front doors. When the train stopped for a few moments, one woman noticed a shaft of light near the top of the car wall. She suggested to her friend, "Stand up and look out!" But the friend, felt much too weak, and said she did not have the energy to climb up to the window. The woman stroked her hair and said, “I’m going to sit down and you’re going to stand on my shoulders.” From her friend's shoulders, the weary woman looked through the tiny window at a day so bright and beautiful she thought she had arrived in Paradise. This vignette of a little moment in a dark place creates light for everyone who reads it. The friend's gesture of sacrifice and true compassion has the power to teach and move us across the half century since World War II ended. In these times of utter fatigue or futility, I think of those words, "Stand on my shoulders." I remember how one emotionally and physically depleted woman took care of another. I feel the light, shining through a tiny window into a dark car packed with weary people, and I know that I can make the best of this day. —from an account by Edith P. from the Video Archives for Holocaust Testimonies at Yale * Photo credit: ©2009 Roger Bodian

Time Out

Time Out

Blessing for the Mothers

Anticipate the joy of life as a mother. Flourish with the gifts your children bring. Nurture yourself, too, as you care for your loved ones. Show your children the way of wonder. Voice your thoughts in kindness and clarity. Stand tall for your children, family, and community. Listen deeply with compassion. Envision a good life and a welcoming world. Embrace your children with open, loving arms. Awaken to this day with a grateful heart. May you find the gift of peace in every little moment of motherhood. Many blessings, Andrea

Clean house. Good year.

Clean house. Good year. —Ancient chinese belief As the Lunar New Year begins, Asians all over the world follow a precise set of traditional actions to prepare for an auspicious New Year. The focus is on the home, beginning with the threshold, which is decorated with lucky symbols to welcome visitors. The interior is scrubbed to sparkling and filled with azaleas, cherry, and peach blossoms along with tangerines, pomelos, and oranges (with green leaves and stems still intact to predict friendship and allegiance). Tables overflow with traditional feast foods including the “harmony tray,” which contains eight different sweets to be shared with visitors. Along with a clean house, the Chinese believe their minds must also be clean. Only honeyed thoughts should come out of one’s mouth. Children are not reprimanded or scolded during the celebration period. Dirt, residue, misfortune, negative attitudes, unlucky words, and foul language are swept away before the New Year begins. I begin this New Year refreshed and welcome sweetness and good fortune into my life.

Joy time

The serendipity of the season reminds me how good it feels to be delighted, amused, surprised. When I think back on the year, I realize that entire days have gone by when I deprived myself (because of busyness) from including a pleasurable activity. This is not to say that each day didn’t bring moments of joy. But I am referring to things just for me, like getting a massage, painting with watercolors, going to a movie, reading uninterrupted for an hour, taking a long walk. I have decided that next year, I will begin each day with a simple plan for joy. Every day I will choose an activity I LOVE to do. No matter how much my family needs me or how many commitments I have, a day will not go by without a large dose of joy of my own choosing. I make a list of my thirty favorite pastimes, including those that I haven’t done in awhile (enough for a solid month of fun). Next to each, I write what has prevented me from engaging in the activity. When I am conscious of the obstacles, I am able to think of ways to remove them. Tomorrow, I begin a joyous new era. ******************************************************************** The great use of life is to spend it on something that will outlast it. —James Adams Making more money was once my excuse for why I didn’t make more time for my family. I was driven and ambitious. The next plateau was where my dream house would be built. The next vacation beach was the one I would relax on. But when I arrived, I still wasn’t satisfied and I spent my time making more plans. When my grandmother’s heart began to fail, my Poppy conscientiously cooked meals, scrubbed every surface clean, ran the errands. He was now a very busy man. Yet every evening after dinner, he stopped working to savor a peppermint ice cream cone and a slow dance with Nana on the terrace. Afterwards, he tucked her into bed, making certain she noticed his cool hands on her forehead. He did this because, looking back over a lifetime of moments, he knew he would not regret a few spots on the wall, but rather that they had not danced in the warm night. Why must we wait until “goodbye” reveals how much we cherish each other—what a treasure our time spent with loved ones truly is? When my children ask for my time, I often struggle with the momentary desire to finish “my work.” But once I filter out what is not important, I remember that paying attention is a gift and is the right thing to do. Nothing is more compelling to me than a family moon walk in our neighborhood followed by a good story read together by nightlight. It is that simple.

One button at a time

Does it have to be done? Does it have to be done now? Can I delegate it? Does it have to be perfect? Is there a simpler way to do it? —La Leche League I clear the way for a simpler life. I leave spaces in my day and remove the word “hurry” from my vocabulary. I prune every unnecessary obligation. “Less is more” is my call to inaction. I stop rushing and notice how impatience in my tone of voice and gestures falls away. I no longer feel compelled to hurry my pace, robbing myself of the leisure to touch the world around me. To slow down, I remember this chant: One button at a time. One spoonful at a time. One step at a time. One moment at a time. One place at a time. One decision at a time. One way at a time. One day at a time.

Make time for me

Fifteen years ago tonight, I treated my four year old son, Jake, to a holiday night of sweet treats and amusement park rides on the rooftop of the Emporium, a now defunct department store downtown on Market Street. My own mother used to bring my sister and I there every December to eat crunchy corn dogs dipped in yellow mustard and ride the ferris wheel high above the twinkling city lights, snuggled in our parkas against the brisk air. This was one Christmas tradition my Jewish parents allowed me to experience despite their refusal to decorate a tall tree with ornaments and place a crystal angel on top. The night I took Jake, I did not share his exhilaration and happiness. My husband and I had recently separated and it seemed as though I was the only parent standing alone waving at her child as he whizzed by on the miniature train. I stared at the mothers and fathers holding hands, snapping Polaroids™, watching the images of their children with hands and fringed wool scarves flung into the air materialize on the white squares of photo paper. I spiraled down into a mood so low that I forgot to keep my eye on Jake as he snaked through the crowd to ride the roller coaster. I was paralyzed by the depression. I stood still and felt as cold as an ice sculpture. I didn't hear the music of the carousel. But from the din, Jake's laughter and urgent "Mommy, watch" snapped me out of my funk. I didn't want to destroy his fun and managed to gather the energy to use up the rest of our ride tickets and find the corn dog stand. We somehow caught the right streetcar home and once Jake was sound asleep, I placed a chunky sandalwood candle on the floor in the middle of my dark bedroom, lit the wick, and sat cross-legged in front of it's glow, waiting for clarity. I was mesmerized by the blue and yellow flame. Soon, my chest began to heave and primal sobs burst from my mouth. I was afraid the wracking sound would scare Jake so I pressed my palm over my lips. A movie of memories flooded my mind. I “watched” a little girl in a red and green plaid jumper begging her Daddy to dance with her. The word "homesick" underscored my recollection of a childhood wishing for more time with my Dad. I let the story unfold over an hour that late night. I immersed myself in homesickness; I learned to access old, stagnant emotions by giving myself the space and time to see through to the truth. And then I let go what didn't work for me anymore.

Calm and Confident Moms: Shedding all that I am not

Calm and Confident Moms: Shedding all that I am not

Shedding all that I am not

I cultivate the special quality of being content with very few possessions. Millions of people around the world wear clothes discarded by others, dwell in makeshift homes, eat less than their hungry bellies yearn for. Though I need not worry about scrounging for my next meal or that I will shiver tonight, I adopt a non-clinging attitude towards the material world. Excess surrounds me in this gift-giving season, yet I find myself easily shedding all that I am not. I am not a party girl. I am not a parent who showers my children with toys. I am not a fashion queen. I am not a stressed-out, last minute-obligated-to-get-you-a-gift shopper. What I am is a person who enjoys giving from the heart, giving time and experiences, giving gifts that are evergreen because they are chosen by me with thought and care. Conversely, I strive to receive with attention and model for my children the way to open gifts mindfully, honoring the gift-giver at the same time as the recipient.

Tall oaks from little acorns grow.

I've watched the trees closely as long as I can remember and along the way befriended a forest of favorites. There was the generous flowering plum in the front yard on Stratford Drive that blossomed in April, and by July was laden with shiny little plums. I would shimmy up the trunk, balance on a thick branch, and pluck and eat the tart fruit until my stomach groaned. Through 30 summers at Lake Tahoe, I measured the growth of a Ponderosa pine sapling I discovered as a toddler growing next to the redwood deck. By the time I vacationed with my own children at our summer house, that courageous tree was taller than the roofline and was my father’s gauge for whether or not he could take his grandchildren out on the lake for a boat ride. If the tip-top of the pine was still, needles steady, catching the sunlight, we knew the lake was calm. But if the crown was swaying, Papa called off the trip. He knew the white capped waves would toss and bump his little fishing boat and make it difficult to navigate through the rocky cove. But my favorite was the weeping cherry tree I called Pom-Pom that showered me with petal confetti as I lay daydreaming on the lawn. I loved to watch a pair of robins add one thin twig, a piece of torn newspaper, another bird's lost feather, to their nest in the crook of that happy tree. I passed many long spring Saturdays staring through the wizened branches at the blue sky and passing clouds. I wrote my first book under Pom-Pom and vowed one day to publish a thank you poem for my treasured trees. I wanted to show my appreciation for the gifts of courage and hope that trees give to the world—beginning life as a curious seed, growing willfully up through the dark soil, branches reaching skyward anticipating the sun and rain, then later kneeling down to nourish earth with its crunchy, golden leaves. And beginning all over again.

Give me a happy day.

I've watched my two children and their circle of friends grow through the ages—a rainbow of faces and personalities spanning our family life. They all seem to want (and need) the same direction from us, their grown-up guides. * Give me a happy day. * Answer what I ask. * Be calm. * Help me stand. * Show the good. * Listen to my song. * Belong to me. * Dream with me. * Hug me close. * Bring me magic. * Show me the way home.

Transform your house hell into home heaven

My house used to look like yours. Through my Little Moments of Peace practice, I figured out the baby steps I needed to transform my house hell into home heaven. Here's the first step: 1) Choose the one room you spend the most time in. (I know there are many you inhabit daily but you must choose one and only one. This room could be your bedroom where you can sneak away from the rest of the mess to refresh and renew yourself. Or it could be the great room where your whole family congregates.) Once you've chosen the room to declutter, gather 6 boxes or bags and a sharpie™. Label the containers with action verbs as follows: Toss; Recycle; Donate; Sort; Move; Treasure. Now choose just one drawer or shelf or corner. Do not allow yourself to ponder the clutter in any other area of the room. Dump or move the contents into the middle of the space. Every item must be moved out from the mess to another clear space. Dust/wash the once cluttered space. Sit next to the "junk" pile and pick up every single item. Ask yourself: Do I love this item? Is it beautiful and worthy of display? Is it a treasured memento or keepsake that can be labeled and packed away in storage? Is it broken? Should I repair it or not? Have I used it in the last three months? Could someone else use and appreciate it? Is it a piece of paper I can sort later or might I recycle it now? Decide which box/bag the item belongs in and drop it in NOW. If you have to think for more than a few seconds, put the item in the "keep" bag for the time being. You can deal with that box later. Make sure you keep moving and that your energy doesn't thud from indecisiveness. Once all items are sorted through, 1) take the "toss" bag and empty it in the garbage can 2) take the "recycle" bag and empty it in the recycling can 3) put the "donate" bag in your car or a corner of your garage (to be removed later) 4) put the "sort" bag in a closet or a corner of a room where you can later quietly deal withone bag at a time 5) pick up the "move" bag and redeposit each item where it belongs in your house (if you can't easily find a place for each item, consider putting it in one of the bags that's leaving your home.) 6) carefully wrap and box all treasures, place them in a cardboard box or plastic container, label the outside with the word "Treasure," your name, and today's date. If it's full, tape it up and place it in your basement or attic or upper shelf of the hall closet. If there's still room left, continue to add treasures you discover as you purge. Look at the one small space you cleared! It is clean, dust-free, and ready to accept items that truly belong there. Or not! You decide if the space should remain clear or can be put to functional use. You will begin feeling a welling up of energy and will want to keep going. Choose the next logical drawer, corner, shelf and repeat the action steps. Only work while you have energy. You might want to limit this to one hour a day. But by all means keep going while you feel the fire! I look forward to hearing about your process. Feel free to ask me questions as you proceed.

I have just one day, TODAY ...

... and I'm going to be happy in it. —Groucho Marx In each bedroom of our home, my family awakened today. Our feet touched the floor and we set out on an unknown road. Some days, my tracks are first on the path. Other days, my children lead. Every step takes us to a place with a new view. Happiness and love or sadness and fear? The power of choice is ours. I choose a happy day. Sprouting in September: THE HAPPINESS TREE: Celebrating the gifts of trees we treasure http://us.macmillan.com/thehappinesstree

Children are mirrors.

My children show me a true picture of myself. Knowing this helps me become more conscious of my words and actions. When I see a reflection that displeases me, I try not to feel guilty that I have set less than a perfect example. I use the information I have learned from them to improve myself. By talking to even the youngest children about my process, I teach them how to deal with a life they will lead as imperfect people. They will make mistakes. They will fail at times. They will hurt other people's feelings. It is my job to teach them how to repair and forgive, how to accept weaknesses as well as strengths, and how to love themselves as much as I love them. What do you see in the faces of your children?